King of Codpieces and Princess of Plackets
by janeparker
Summary: A JackElizabeth story. Will runs around acting dumb. It's kind of a parody so if it seems stupid, well, it's supposed to be :P
1. Default Chapter

Will Turner was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Little did he know that his wife, Elizabeth Turner, was at that moment   
  
climbing out their bedroom window. Waiting for her below was her secret lover, Captain Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Jack," she said, her hushed voice full of lust and passion contained too long.   
  
She lifted her skirts as she climbed down the vines, intertwining up the side of the house, and Jack caught a glimpse of   
  
her knees in the moonlight. He would have swooned, if he had been a woman, but as he was, he just said, "Savvy," topping  
  
even Elizabeth's lustful passion. She leapt the last few feet and he caught her around the waist. "It's been a long time,"   
  
he said as he kissed her on her smooth velvet lips.   
  
"That island day seems so long ago," she said.  
  
"I brought the rum," he said exitedly. "But I had a slight problem with getting a horse. I had to bring an ass instead."  
  
"It wouldn't matter if I were on a chicken, as long as I were with you!" she murmured.  
  
He tossed her lightly aboard his faithful brown ass. "Shall we be off, my sweet?" he asked, leaping up behind.  
  
They rode off into the deep moonlight, thus ripping her marriage asunder.  
  
Will woke up quickly and said, "Elizabeth! Help me, Elizabeth! Do your best to pluck this snake from my breast! Oh my,  
  
that was a terrible dream. I'm shaking. Elizabeth? What, removed? No sound, no word? Ah, she must be visiting the   
  
chamber pot. Very well." Thus he fell into a deep sleep.  
  
[{Author's apology: I'm sorry. I'm writing from my center. It's supposed to be freeing. Ask Jason Franklin. He's my teacher; he's been in movies. Anyway. On with the corny show.}] 


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't until the next afternoon that Will realized that Elizabeth was really gone. He had spent the morning convincing himself that she would turn up. Now it was time to face the facts. Elizabeth was gone. "She must be kidnapped," he thought, for there was no other explanation to this mysterious disappearance. He went to the stables and saddled his brown steed Gaelen, to go in search of Elizabeth. He first went to her father's house, and said, "Elizabeth is gone!" Her father immediately commanded his men to aid Will in the search for his daughter. They spent the entire day scouring the town, but found no traces of Elizabeth. They finally retired, exhausted, to their beds.  
  
Out at sea, on the Black Pearl, another couple was lying exhausted in bed. "Oh Jack," Elizabeth said. "The words of Shakespeare are best fitting at this time. 'Th' expense of spirit in a waste of shame is lust in action, and 'til action lust is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame, savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust. Enjoyed no sooner but despised straight. Past reason hunted, and no sooner had past reason hated, as a swallowed bait, on purpose laid, to make the taker mad, mad in pursuit and in possession so, had, having, and in quest to have, extreme, a bliss in proof, and proved a very woe. Before, a joy proposed, behind, a dream. All this the world well knows, yet none the world knows well to shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.'"  
  
"What does that mean?" asked Jack.  
  
"I don't know," said Elizabeth. "I just know it's about sex."  
  
"Savvy!" said Jack. "More rum!"  
  
  
  
Will was toiling in a pitch. He could find no clue as to Elizabeth's whereabouts. He wandered aimlessly about the yard until he almost tripped over a mound of poo. "What is this doing here?" asked Will to no one in particular.   
  
"It's ass dung, sir!" said one of the stablehands.  
  
"What's that doing outside my window?" asked Will.  
  
Then, suddenly, it all fell into place. Whoever had kidnapped Elizabeth must have been riding an ass. He began to inquire in town whether anyone had seen someone riding through town on a ass.  
  
"Jack, I'm ever so hungry," breathed Elizabeth into Jack's sweaty shoulder.   
  
"Haven't you had enough in your mouth for one night?" he panted.  
  
"Oh, I'm so tired!" she groaned.  
  
Then they dragged themselves out of bed to see what they could find for breakfast.  
  
[{Author's apology: I do really like Will Turner, but it's so much fun to write about stupid husbands and unfaithful wives.}] 


	3. Chapter 3

Will finally tracked down the owner of the ass. His name was Mr. Kenneth White. Mr. White that two nights before, he had loaned the ass to a man named John Smith. "I didn't like the look about, no sir," said Mr. White. "I says he looks like a pirate, says I!"  
  
Will took the blow that Jack had kidnapped his wife very badly. After Mr. White dumped a pail of cold water on him, he revived very quickly.  
  
Jack and Elizabeth spent a pleasant day on the Pearl. They stood on the deck of the ship, joking with the sailors, and having the time of their lives. Well...  
  
It began to grow dark, and Jack led Elizabeth off to their cabin. He threw her upon the bed, and said, "it's my turn for some poetry. 'A young man lately in our town, he went to bed one night, he had no sooner layed him down, but was troubled by a Sprite. So vigorously the Spirit stood, let him do what he can, sure then, he said, it must be lay'd, by woman, not by man. A handsome maid did undertake and into bed she leap'd, and to allay the Spirit's power, full close to him she creep'd. She having such a guardian care, her office to discharge, she opened wide her conjuring book and lay'd the leaves at large.'"  
  
"Oh Jack!" she scolded half-heartedly.  
  
Anamaria sat talking to a fellow pirate. "All that Elizabeth ever cares about is sex sex sex!" she exclaimed.  
  
"What's so bad about sex sex sex?" returned her fellow pirate.  
  
[{Author's note: if you don't get the "Spirit" thing, you don't want to. Also, the "sex sex sex" thing is a bit of an inside joke.}] 


End file.
